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High Hopes

Waking up this Sunday morning with feelings of discontent - not sure what emotions are behind this unexpected turmoil. The rush from my first roll-up to accompany my coffee - produced a sensation of wanting to cry... Why? Recovering from my latest depressive episode was on a good course and now another twist. Trying to understand it - is this the empty feeling which my therapist encourages me to explore? More than a hour has passed and the several impulses to cry have not yet materialised into teardrops yet. Maybe i should try harder at letting go... It feels like i have been striving to improve things - to promote more connections to people to reduce my lonliness. To focus more on myself and come to terms with who i am - find happiness and be more content with who i am. I have lost my self in a relationship to a wonderful woman and need to find myself again without losing her in the process... There is a desire to withdraw more from her - but wonder if it's motivated by stimulating more attention from her, instead of being more in tune with myself. Why can't i accept the attention and love she is giving and showing me - standing by me through my depression like an angel. I know this is just a bad start to a day - and things with pick up. Just wanted to start a block as a new way to express myself and help me through this struggle. The first song of the day which brought some light into my soul was HIGH HOPES from PAOLO NUTINI - hence the blog title...
2.3.14 12:50


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